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| Graduated Cylinders |
[19 Jun 2009|01:21pm] |
Well I graduated only about a month ago. May may may have been one of the best months of my life. school ended and finals weren't that much work for me, and then we all chilled out for the next couple weeks after graduation. This last semester in general was great, probably the best semester of my time at Rowan and even comparable to my semester in Denmark. Good way to end it. Our bbq's/parties were always hits and all kinds of chill ppl were at them, the time mimosa crew came over and did some cheers together was really nice. Our 409 Grad Party was sooooo much fun, one of the best nights Ive had at Rowan. (and chill in the daytime too!) Gloria and Bill from across the street came over 2 different times to eat and were soo nice! A lot of different groups of my friends there and everyone having a great time. 311crew was there, coffeehouse ppl, joe's cool witty friends, lisa d, frisbee house! People hanging out in the garage, living room, and of course out back, where we were smoking from what dave called the "hippie commune circle" hahaha. chirag came and was hilarious to me, michael, ray, rebecca... "tom 2 things... number 1. should i move my car because blah blah blah... (pause) okay should i move on to number 2 or do you want to answer number 1. okay number 2..." hahaha. playing cornhole with chirag and against liz. making fun of renee's friends for drinking girl drinks. chillin with jake and his girl joe late night! hookin up with rebecca!
watchin movies (and the video of drunk joe talkin philosophy!) on the projector in the garage was so much fun...pee wee herman hahaha and then the life aquatic.
graduation day was fun chillin with my family and roommates out in the front yard.
party hopping one night from cornell to frisbee house to 311 one of the nights nick was at rowan! (at frisbee makin fun of dave "oh football is my sport, football is my sport" hahah, watchin the squeegees play, smokin in the garage with dave and nick and random ppl i just met)
one really great weekend: thursday: saves the day and landmark, friday: the farewell tour at progressive coffeehouse (best show I've done!!!), saturday: westby prom and white trash party (and cuddling with joanna who later said "it only took 5 years!!!" ahahaha)
the farewell tour cd i gave out to ppl and love so much!!
going down on jen on the frisbee house living room couch in front of others i was just oblivious to hahaha... stopping to casually ask someone in the early morning if she needed jen to move her car hahaha
making out with jen then rebecca then jen again in the same night at the greattttt outdoor back row beau party where a ton of ppl were.
hookin up with lara and her staying in the morning a long time just to chill with me even though it was making her late.
the very last day, while my dad impatiently waited a longass time haha...seeing jen again, talking with liz and egil, lilly and nury unexpectedly stopping by, going to gloria and bills to fix their flag with dave jen rob and later ed as my final act at rowan!
a few days i consider "goodbyes" whether or not it was the last time i saw a person...
-running/rollerblading with jaime back by the chocolate factory and getting lost and cutting thru woods and a farm and somehow making it back to my house hahaha.
-bikeriding with pokie along with dave and sean all over the glassboro area with crazy pollen and wind levels.
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and in a few days i leave to go hitch hike to the west coast and hit up a few crazy places along the way!!!
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[03 Jan 2009|06:35pm] |
It's a new year and I'm going to try to be strong and live differently, more artistically, more me despite what other people might think of me if my impulse tells me to act very strange. It's what I've felt for a while but I have been slowly progressing in the right direction for a long while. I have some ideas and some inspiration now to make better jumps now. Maybe they'll work, maybe they won't.
I have had an amazing year despite this underlying problem that I described. Really I think it only exists in my head now that I feel better than a few hours ago. I won't bother to round up the year like I usually do because I think the few entries I wrote probably hit the high points, namely: DENMARK and the folkhojskole crew, and HITCHHIKING thru America. Back at rowan things have been pretty good as well, had some really fun nights such as the BBQ/1st blacklightparty, and the 2 nights I met girls I'd be hooking up with heh.
The past week has been great...was in Vermont with 6 of the other hojskolers (including 2 Danes!) ...and this was a much better reunion for me than the last one...went hiking and skiing and throwing rocks in a lake and playing chinese checkers. and then was in NYC at my friends place with 3 Germans for New years and a day before and after...saw a 3D movie, went to bars of course, was hanging out in a garden with some amazing strangers that were jamming and such. My German friend is about to go back home and I'm gonna miss her soo much! Will be in the city again the next 2 days to hang out more with her and her 2 friends that came by to visit before they all go back!
What sucks is my car broke down for good and it was all my fault!!! Very dumb mistake and I really loved that vehicle like no other and I will be without my own car for quite a while but maybe it will help me learn to take care of things a little better.
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| existential anxiety? |
[03 Jan 2009|06:34pm] |
I am a bit afraid of my future. I don't feel like I have really produced anything in my life so far. I have had a good influence on people no doubt but I have not built anything. I graduate in May and don't know what I am doing. I talked with the person I went hitchhiking/trainhopping with over last summer (my friend from denmark) and he said he would be down to do it with me again over this summer coming up, this time through Europe. Then I might have a year-long internship in Denmark starting in Augus after thatt.
The internship sounds great but at the same time I'm scared of it. Usually I end up making a lot of friends where ever I go, but at the same time I always feel really anxious and quiet until I go through a real lot with them. I love meeting people but my friend-making process is an anxious one. I have a good number of friends in Denmark already but the language barrier worries me. I really feel like people think I act weird sometimes and the language barrier could really further that. (At the same time though, my friends said they thought I was the least self-conscious of the group because I'm a hippie to them. So maybe my shyness doesnt even reflect as much as I think, I don't know...whatever the case I feeeeel weird sometimes whether or not I even look it.)
So maybe I will just hitchhike through Europe for a longer period of time? I guess I'll talk to my friend about it when I hear in April if I get the internship.
In combination with this stuff, I have the same old thinking problems as usual. Sometimes falling easily over into the "Or" side of Kierkegaard's "Either/Or," which means recognizing life is meaningless but not seeing the sense in getting above it. nihilism without existentialism.
For example, if someone doesn't act in the moment as well as others, this person will not be loved as much. Why do I have to try so hard to be loved? Why do you have to act such a particular way to receive something? Why can't people better appreciate just the idea of someone trying to express themselves? Instead they will really seriously shun them if they act it out in a way that is not completely in the moment. For example, one time a girl and I both wanted to make out with one another, but just because I asked instead of just doing it, it didn't happen. I have not had very bad experiences with this compared to other people... I know plenty of smart people who have really come down hard on others who they have no right to...simply because the others aren't perfectly socially keen.
Actually I think I understand this pretty well. It is just an instinct to keep creeps away and to have an in the moment experience. And I have even gotten caught up in it of course. But it is bullshit, human ways are often bullshit, and why should I be a part of these things that are bullshit, is what the "Or" side says.
But somehow it can get pretty deep and awful in a way that I can't think of not that it's not happening. The past 2 days in a row I sat down in the shower. I do this whenever I don't feel good mentally. I was really frustrated, I would even say mindsick, about not feeling connected, emotionally and physically. I have never shared this one deep part of myself with anyone, a side that needs to be out there for me to connect, and I also need to get laid (though I feel conflicted about this too...sometimes I really like the idea of at least mildly liking the girl and not just going for whoever, maybe even out of desperation, but maybe I just think too much also and can take that when it comes.) Porn is a bad solution to sexual frustration sometimes because sometimes it can even further disconnect me in the end.
Also added to the mix is my inability to do work. Sometimes I really fall down and don't feel like getting anything together. I really lack focus sometimes. And when I'm really down I might even have great creativity through my intense emotions, but then I really am not feeling like writing anything for the same reason.
Well there are two ways to look at life, the Either and the Or, and sometimes I can really feel and see deep and clearly that "Or." I can see the "Either" well too sometimes but there is much I haven't experienced yet to get to see this fully. I really love Kierkegaard.
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| JERSEY |
[26 Sep 2008|01:30am] |
RESTLESSNESS
AGAIN
NEJ FRESK!
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[15 Aug 2008|02:44pm] |
uncomfortable
confused
i think its all due to sexual frustration. i think thats all its been this whole goddamn time. its the only thing thats been missing maybe? maybe i should give up on any love going along with it for now.
it can be difficult to sort thru what's instictively you, what's imposed over you by this awful culture, and psychological stuff in between.
realized: just wasted a few hours not doing anything out of feeling slightly down, not being sure what i should do out of many options i had in my head. i have to realize when i get like this, to think outside of how i am thinking at the time, and that i will feel better if i just do something once it is accomplished.
played at an open mic with tej and eis last night, we didnt play amazing but it was alright. felt weird about the whole night tho afterward some how. some cool ppl played there tho, a lot of weird characters too haha.
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| email sent to the 13 other americans i lived with in danmark |
[28 Jun 2008|09:02pm] |
Hey everyone!
Albert and I got back from our adventure a few days ago and I thought I should write you all to tell you how it went!
After spending about 6 hours at a spot in Jersey City that I heard was a good place to trainhop, finally a train came along late at night that was moving slow enough and with cars we could hide in a bit. It was a rush for both of us when the train finally sped up to at least 200 miles per hour (really I'd say about 60). We passed through Philly and Washington DC, and saw some beautiful scenery along the way once the sun had come up somewhere between those 2 cities. About 6 hours after getting on, we got off and discovered we were in Baltimore. We fell asleep for a little while and walked around but didnt go downtown.
We got onto another train that was stopped in the yard around dusk, and another 6 hours later when the train had stopped discovered we were in Rocky Mount, North Carolina (a hick town where the 1st 3 people we made chit chat with were openly racist!). It was really exciting being on the trains and wondering when they were slowing down or stopping, if they were about to enter a yard and we'd have to be careful, or if they were just letting another train pass by up ahead on the same tracks, etc,...looking out at great scenery here and there...and it was exciting just figuring out how far we had traveled once we got off each time...we also were stopped in the middle of really long pitch black tunnels 2 times for about half hour each listening to creepy train noises and each of us thought we were seeing peoples shadows and hearing peoples voices haha.
But anyway that was it for our trainhopping adventure...because unfortunately and I hate to say it... we got arrested the next time we tried! Haha actually it was only because we hitchhiked from there on since we figured we would know better where we were headed and could plan it out. We would usually try to hitchhike on regular streets and highway entrance ramps til we could get dropped off at a truck stop, and from there could usually find a trucker who wanted company and was going a long distance (and who wouldnt ask for gas money like some car-drivers did).
We ended up Raleigh, NC, where we met an amazing 46 year old man named Roger. He gave us a lift and talked to us, and I guess felt us out to make sure we were cool, invited us to a bar after a while where he bought us drinks and we met his friends, felt us out some more and eventually offered to let us to let us stay at his place. He fed us 2 times, let us do laundry, take showers, got drunk with us and had a great time, gave Albert a pair of his shorts, then drove us out the next morning to a highway we had been trying to get to. His wife and kids were away and he seemed happy to be able to get drunk and chill with us in his house haha. We've kept in touch with this guy.
Found a truck driver a few rides later that took us all the way from that area to Meridian, Mississippi, (and let me drive his 18 wheeler for about 2 hours so he could get some rest!), where we tried unsuccessfully asking more than a hundred people at a trucker stop to get a ride. We fell asleep next to a dumpster for an hour or 2, then it was morning and one of the 1st people we asked gave us a ride to where we were trying to get to: New Orleans. There we stayed at a hostel 2 nights. It was our favorite city and had a great time listening to free great music all over the place. Told the bartender it was Alberts birthday and she gave us free drinks all night long the 1st night.
Next heard about "rideshare" on craiglist from someone and found a ride to Austin, Texas with 2 girls who we ended up not liking that much but who we could deal with fine. Stayed there 2 nights with a different couchsurfing host each night. The 2nd one was a songwriter named Aly who took us to her friend's at night where about 15 people were jamming all night and drinking, and me and Albert got to join in, Albert on the bongos. Austin is a great great city, people were saying it was like a little California that is different from the rest of Texas. Lots of chill people there we met and one of the highlights was swimming in this small river Barton Springs people go to chill out...where a few people were smoking joints and drinking beers pretty out in the open.
The next day tried to head back toward New Orleans thru Houston, but people in Texas seem really hard to get rides from. Even tho we met some great people there, seemed like people there generally needed to chill out a bit and a lot of people wouldnt even roll their windows down for me to ask directions, instead just staring at me.
After getting a few short rides on 290 East toward Houston that didnt take us too far, we ended up in the middle of nowhere after dark and walked about 5 hours, knocking at some door asking for water from some nice old lady. After walking about 15 miles, finally got to some piece of civilization and fell asleep next to a gas station. Couldnt really sleep because of the noise of some generator, streetlights, and ants that kept biting us for the short few hours we tried.
Next morning tried to go along again and were getting really frustrated with all the Texans who thought me and Albert would kill them if they picked us up haha. After a few hours of trying, a great great woman Kristen finally stopped and actually took us straight from the streets right into the lap of luxury. She drove us a few hours to Houston straight into a huge office building parking lot, where she booked a conference room for me and Albert (who were smelling pretty bad around a lot of business people haha) to use a computer, took us to lunch at a restaurant and paid for us, dropped us off near some museums, and hooked us up with her friend Schwaa...who we stayed with that night and was also a great great man.
Schwaa let us use his bikes to go all around the city, gave us bathing suits and towels for his pool, fed us his food, gave us his keys so we could get in after he was asleep and leave after he left early in the morning. Me and Albert felt so so loved and lucky this day, the previous day being exhausted and hoping for hours just to see a bench on the side of the road we might feel safe sleeping on. Really felt great this day and the next morning still chilling there swimming again and listening to his records and eating his cereal.
Anyway Houston was great from our experiences there, but otherwise seems like a very business oriented place with a lot of oil money, and when we went out at night on bikes the place was really empty.
Kristen helped us figure that a flight was the same cost as a greyhound bus, so we booked one from New Orleans to NYC, leaving us only about 20 hours to get there. Got just a little worried as Texans continued to not want to give us rides, but finally made it to a truck stop, and after spending hours asking 100+ people there, finally found a really nice woman Deb headed in our direction, who also took us to a restaurant and paid for us to eat. (Truckers are usually but definitely not always really friendly and want to help, but sometimes arent headed in the right direction...or otherwise are hesitant because if they get in an accident or something else while we are with them, they would lose their jobs.) Were 30 min from New Orleans and tried a lot more to keep going but had to get a taxi there to make it in time for the 6am flight. Chilled out that day in NJ when we were back and went to Craig's, where Albert and I left for NYC the next morning for his flight back to Danmark.
Really long message but really didnt know what parts of these I could leave out! Met so many great great people and really could talk a lot more about all our experiences...got free food and drinks plenty of other times, got about 25 rides total... almost all from really great people, stayed with others I didnt talk about. Also of course met some really weird people like an ex-hippie who has killed people haha, some really religious biker guy who was warning us about new orleans "Why would you want to go to a city that God tried to destroy?!", some drugged up lady with a kid who didnt know how to drive. And ended up in plenty of weird situations that we'd laugh about. Really great experience and loved traveling practically for free, having to figure stuff out, meeting people and being helped, and living a little more primative for a time. The simple idea of what Albert and I were doing seemed to affect people's thinking in a good way ("why are you hitchhiking to new orleans???" - "because we really like it there"), and it was also obvious that people liked us and felt really really great when they were able to help us.
Also attaching a few pictures.
Miss you all, cant wait to see each of you, and hope you guys are having a great summer! Hope to hear from you all soon!
Love!
Tom
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| my time in denmark |
[21 May 2008|09:53am] |
i should definitely talk about some stuff from denmark to look back on since i havent written much of it.
the last weekend...friday in the daytime i took 2 finals, went to the DIS closing ceremonies where lincoln got an award for best student of the semester!!! (proud of him! and the folk high school kids cheered when they mentioned grundtvigs!), then went to the beach to swim in the cold water with amanda adam jon and josh. went home where everyone had on potato sacks/garbage bags at dinner in honor of brian! who had been wearing a potato sack every weekend party since the viking party, that 1st party we were a part of.
that night we did our 3rd and final power hour. the 1st one we had done was to the songs of 1998?, and the 2nd one was "Strip Centurium," a 100 minute power hour where you had to take off a piece of clothing every 10 minutes. it got crazy and me and heather went streaking (tho running in opposite directions and only amanda really being able to see us haha)! i was very fond of our power hours, we all were. listening to good music that changed every minute, screaming SKOAL! at every change, being in a circle laughing. what a fucking great way of getting drunk together, in a tight circle cheering every minute, acknowledging every bit of alcohol that you were putting into your body.
but this 3rd power hour was the best one. more of the danes got involved than the last one (none were involved the 1st), and they liked it so much that they repeated it on their own the very next night. but anyway maybe what was best about it was that it was outside and it was a beautiful night, as beautiful as the weather has been every single fucking day for the past month (aside from may day of course)! we got drunk and danced all over the place. we got on our knees in a circle to slap the ground and our hands for that 1 danish song we all love. someone called out "everyone outside!" and whoever wasnt already out went out for "dancing in the moonlight" and we danced in the moonlight! dancing outside was great that night, just look at this shit...
i danced with amanda to no doubt's 'bathwater' and was lovinggg it, her and leah both have just amazing and great dance moves, they are crazy with it. i also danced with julie inside, the adorable punk rock danish girl, to 'fight for your right to party' and she was so into that shit like she would be haha, and i was too. danced with ida too, maybe more people too but im not sure i was dancin a lot tho and loving it out there. not always feeling the dancing but how i could i not with a night as alive as this, also being drunk, and also all knowing that we had only 1 more day left of our crazy times in denmark. some of the best 4 months of any of our lives. traveling all over europe with these people, partying every weekend, commuting 2 hours a day, going to class, exploring copenhagen and hillerod, talking, dancing, making music, drinking at bars in the city and hillerod, smoking in marc's loft or craig's room or outside or just in the building entrance or christiania, eating dinner with them every night and talking about the most ridiculous hilarious things...such as the conversation that led to the start of rainbow water band 2000, BRUNCH on the weekends... denmark's version of 'drunk breakfast' i was used to back home at rowan last year, meeting each other that 1st day and not having a clue what people were like or what to expect.
and then saying goodbye. saturday at dinner, jakob, the principal of the school, announced that we were leaving. he thanked us for contributing to the great atmosphere at grundtvigs. he hadnt really spoken to us much before, but his speech seemed so genuine that some of us started to get teary eyed. they had passed out music books and had been singing danish songs to someone playing the piano. jakob announced that the next song would be the beatles' "in my life." we all sang. tears swelled up in my eyes, as they are right now thinking back just a few days ago when i was on the other side of the world. next we sang "winds of change." the moments jakob made his speech and the songs were played, everything changed. suddenly i knew it was over. i kept walking around slowly, everyone kept walking with their arms around one another. i didnt walk back and forth between my room and the lounge when i felt i should be packing up my room...i ran the short distance so i could be with these people. while packing, i started crying very suddenly listening to "on a joyride," saying to myself "no..no.."
that night we signed each other's yearbooks, which helene and signe had so beautifully made for us. i danced with leah and ida and tine. leah i loved dancing with cause shes crazy like i said, and we were both imitating each other it was great. we also did the circle dance again when the song came on, hitting our hands against the ground. i said goodbye to some people...tove, siri, anders, claudia, and a few others..... didnt get a chance to say bye to others. i kissed gry goodbye. went outside to our last bonfire, this one though lasting til long after sunrise. "sherlock holmes" had his last case hahaha! (our code words for smokin with marc's pipe!)
we continued to stay up til it was time for people to leave to catch flights...lincoln and carrie left around 530am i believe, craig and bryan an hour or 2 later, and then me marc and alicia caught the 8:18 bus. we had said bye to josh much earlier in the morning when he went to sleep for a bit. nadine was asleep also i believe. it was amanda leah heather ruth and molly remaining, who we said goodbye to. ruth came out to the bus stop with us, just to stand around there for a few extra minutes. most were crying at least a little that morning, i wish i did as well but did not really feel what was going on at the moment.
helene and signe must be 2 of the nicest girls i have ever met. not only did they make these yearbooks for us, they stayed up all night with us and even took me marc and alicia to the airport to be with us until the last moment. at norreport station, marc and i peed one at a time and some old guy was standin next to us at a urinal jerkin off to us peeing!! haha. helene and signe loved that story, as well as my story of how i met sina, how we were strangers who just made eye contact haha. helene and signe have had trouble sleeping from missing the americans. they even slept in the upstairs lounge where the americans used to hang out all the time, which i think is just adorable. signe wrote on my facebook, "This has been some awful days!!"
it was difficult to walk away from helene and signe at the security checkpoint. we said goodbye and just kept standing around. i cried a bit on the 8 hour flight. slept a little while but wasnt really tired even tho by the time i ended up goin to sleep later on, i had been awake for about 40 hours.
it feels strange to get readjusted to home because it makes me forget what i have been feeling the past 4 months. so i dont really want to readjust. things have to be different somehow but i know that i am different myself, i guess that is enough. i completely forgot what it was like to be home in those 4 months. now that i am back and dont see any connections between denmark and here, it is like denmark was a dream. an amazing, beautiful dream.
i fucking love you all and 4 months was not enough. i will see most of the americans and many of the danes i was friends with in nyc in only a week or 2. vi ses.
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[20 May 2008|04:26pm] |
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i feel like i know exactly what i could say to people sometimes to break them down. i can see what people might be sensitive to. i like to think that people couldnt bring me down so easily cause i already have brought myself down about what i am sensitive to and can accept it a lot of times. really though i dont think this is true unless maybe i am just feeling great about myself already... when i feel threatened about being exposed for some fault of mine, i always get scared.
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[20 May 2008|01:46am] |
it feels as though it was all a dream. i was in another world for 4 months. i come back home and everything is the same as when i left, yet now it is different. theres nothing tying this world to the other one. like a quick, crazy dream that only I know of. at 1st it was very much a shock to be back home, but now i am getting used to it already, kind of forgetting about the feeling i had for 4 months straight. i dont like it, i dont want to get used to this place, i want to feel as i did when i first got back because i feel like that is much more the truth.
i woke up around 4am not knowing where i was while still half asleep.
i woke up again at 1030am and knew exactly where i was and cried as soon as i awoke, cried in the bathroom, tried halfheartedly to hide my tears from my mom while i was eating breakfast but was glad to end up crying in front of her...glad i didnt have to be completely isolated at the moment even though really i was so alone anyway.
i really wanted to cry with everyone else in denmark as we said goodbye but i couldnt do it, my mind is strange and the emotions just werent there at the moment. it didnt hit me at the time even tho it did the night before leaving, and it did this morning.
was it all even real, yes it was so so real, and thats what i felt when i got back and i want to feel it forever because it is the truth. getting used to being home is somehow fighting against it being real, because it does not acknowledge it at all. it wants to make me feel as though I am the same person as when i left, as though no events in history changed from me being away.
fuck you i want to be different. because it is the only thing that i would be able to see in front of me that would mean denmark existed, that i got something out of it, out of such a real experience.
why do i always have to reason shit out instead of it just flowin out of me??
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[14 May 2008|07:05pm] |
please sometime over the summer give me physical and emotional love in one. i have never had it before. even physical love with just a little emotional love in it.
the problem with me is that i am nihilistic. i have had nihilistic thoughts about things since i was pretty young, i think. such as: "why should i cheer for this team, just because they are from my home state?" even if i felt like cheering it wouldnt make sense to me.
coupled with these doubts i have about meaning in life in general, is a self fulfilling prophecy that people wont really end up caring about me. if i display my uncertainty about whatever... if im in a group of people and i barely say a word about whatever bullshit people are talking about... i assume that people will think i'm a creep. so i just fucking let it go. i might half-ass try to talk, try to get what i feel out in an uncertain situation, but it just doesnt end up right and i didnt expect it to anyway. i play it off by acting all relaxed all the time. while really i am having trouble displaying my emotions. emotions that are barely there in the 1st place a lot of times, so how the hell should i feel so impelled to act them out? how do i know how to act them out when i have this nihilistic perspective and just dont care too much about a lot of things in the 1st place.
and you will think im a creep if i act a certain way, you will judge me without realizing why I act whatever way i do. me knowing this also helps to keep me inside. and it really bothers me when people judge others for things that they are, when they arent even directly annoying anyone.
i feel things, i want whatever my body tells me to want even though it might seem irrational. but the irrationality confuses me sometimes. for example, if someone wants attention for something, they might do this or that to get it without being so obvious about it. but i am so keenly aware about such things that i would realize i would just be doing it for attention. i cant think of a specific example for this.
some girls recognize that there is some depth to me, that i am not just some quiet kid. some girls fall for me for it. still i have not had a physical and emotional love, not even a little.
i tell myself 'if they wont love me when im at my worst, being quiet and maybe even boring for long periods of time, then who the hell cares of them' and so i act quiet and boring without even trying to act better.
i tell myself 'she wont like me if i cant do this right, and she'll tell others about it' and it too, is self fulfilling prophecy...of the worst kind for me.
still, there is such a something to the philosopher Kierkegaard. if i tried to act like a creep on purpose, if i was ironic about things, somehow things would be different. i think its because i would be displaying myself for real.
when you're being ironic, you're displaying what you're feeling in a safe way, one that shows you acknowledge it is crazy to feel these things, yet one that reveals yourself. of course they are crazy, but of course you also need to reveal yourself. this is exactly what i need and i think kierkegaard is a genius. but still it's difficult and confusing.
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[03 Mar 2008|12:55am] |
My way of thinking my way of thinking
It is why I cannot think of reasons sometimes
My mind is spacey, I can know things
But it might take a moment for me to figure out why
The reasons turn out to be deep but obvious truths sometimes
Not shallow reasoning I see all around
I am very good at arguing if I feel passionately about it
I also see so many possibilities in everyday circumstances
And never know which one to pick to act
Also,
I think of things ironically. Even when I played my guitar today, I didnt really care to try to play my song perfectly. Cause it just seems funny to me. Like we were just chillin so I played my song, didnt feel like actin like I was puttin on a show. I am not usually into acting?
Things dont always feel like they make as much sense once I write them on this site.
Whatever! I am going to miss denmark so much god damn it.
Today I had a great conversation with Marc that we could hardly stop. somewhat kierkegaard philosophy related tho we only mentioned him. kierkegaard is like 'yea everythings meaningless...but fuck it just find your natural self and what you like to do and have fun with this crazyass shit anyway cause being alive and all this nonsense is really just fuckin crazy.' The free jam session they have on sundays was not going on cause some lady that lived in the building complained.
Also, so sad that they would try to shut down that beautiful area of Copenhagen that is only about peace and thats fucking it.
This week: midterms, jazz clubs hopefully, visiting family, soup kitchen helping, 30 new students at the folkhighschool to meet
Next week: france study tour
Next week: czech republic
Next week: skiing in alps
Saturday night when I return: lot of past students from the folkschool around partying.
Sunday maybe jam session afternoon if its back on, and cant wait to check out these reggae sunday nights in the city. Too bad I couldnt really end up goin tonight.
Also have to check out Germany 2 times, Amsterdam another weekend, should I visit Greece?
Damn so little time here and we at the folkhighschool are already talking about how it seems like its almost over with all this stuff we are doing, and how much we are going to miss it here. 8 of the Danes left today already.
4 months is hardly anything when you are actually trying to experience a place. There's so many opportunities here. Do similar opportunities exist at home? Nah. It's just different here and great. It's exotic I guess. But there really is so much shit to involve myself in.
I've gotten to the point where I am comfortable in just chillin with a decent number of the people here and also not feeling like I have to say anything, which is what I like ha.
The americans had a power hour the other night when we couldnt chill with the danes and it was a lotta fun. Also ended up dancin which i really like when I feel it.
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| my weekend |
[18 Feb 2008|01:31am] |
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IS IT JUST ME OR ARE PEOPLE STARTING TO REALIZE THAT WHEN YOU ARE IN A SHOT SOMEONE IS SHOOTING, EVEN IF IT IS A STRANGER, YOU JUST ACT NATURAL AND IT COULD BE A PRETTY NICE PICTURE. OR DID THEY JUST ALWAYS DO THAT AT THE SAME RATE THAT THEY DO TODAY?
(PS I TRICKED YOU!)
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[26 Jan 2008|03:00am] |
i am a legitamately weird person!
for every girl that has liked me for being different than the others tho, there has been a thousand moments of not feelin in line and socially cool with what was goin on just from the way i am.
but even tho i sometimes wonder about things like this, i thinkkkkkkkkk i am more seeing that life is like a joke and it really doesnt matter. experimentation.
anyway copenhagen is a beautiful place. i have already gotten ideas of some of the country's faults but it really still is a beautiful place. i find the way people are brought up here is one of the most beautiful aspects. but really i am not sure because i have not yet seen things from the inside out. however i have interacted with different types of people here already, even punks and anarchists, which there seems to be a decent amount of in the city.
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[18 Jan 2008|03:40pm] |
i really am different and i have been trying to fit in with how other people think about things because that, the will to conform, is not one thing that is different about me. i think about if i got to what i am just because its biologically how i was born or if it was the circumstances around me. i think it is 2 biological aspects: my intelligence and my sensitivity. I am smart and sensitive. this makes me a nice person because i dont want to hurt people, because i am understanding and see that there are reasons that people do whatever they do (although i am not understanding of generally bad people, what i mean is i dont say and do dumb stuff to ppl like a catty girl might). also, when i see bad things happening in the world i get sad and want to do what i can to stop it.
my intelligence and sensitivity ends up hurting me though when people are mean to me.
i am so hungover and i still have to go to work and pack before i leave tomorrow. i cant believe people who say people who are sick and hurting shouldnt have the ability to kill themselves. i felt soooo nauseous and terrible all day, i just imagine what it would be like for someone who was doomed to feel that way the rest of their lives, and maybe they couldnt even move their limbs around to kill themselves themselves.
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[01 Jan 2008|11:21pm] |
well well WELL
it's that time of year boys and girls! the past few years on new years ive said what stuff sticks out in my mind from the past year at the moment...hear we go...
CANADA was a lotta fun again. i particularly had a lotta fun hangin out with jaime, dancin in the club with her and by myself, chillin with dave of course and the other kids garret and shawn and shaggy and their buds. got to participate in the drum circle this year after we went to some trouble to find out where and when it would be.
JAMMIN. man i have jammed with a ton of people in the past year. bob phil, matt-v aaron vinny-p, sean-o flynn eric-g, 70's rachel-w, eis tej john, jim casey, vinny-k matt-q, dave-b, many combinations of those ppl, im sure some others. i just love when you got a good jam goin. recording is such a bitch tho, and also when you are tryin to get shit written and it just wont work! got some music made and recorded with dave b, eis and tej, and jim and casey...and some stuff by myself too.
GIRLS. lately i have been gettin just a little lonely, and i think sexual frustration is one hidden root of the bad aspects of my life like lack of motivation and sadness...drives me crazy sometimes but still feel like i want to lose it to someone who i actually like a little or trust for whatever reason, before i start goin for random slutty girls ha. and i am a little bit of a pussy with social situations/girls too but i also know that the way this fits in with my personality is chill and i have my strengths above most other dudes that some girls are crazy for. BUT anyway after it took months for me to get another girl to make out with after renee, i was SO happy about christina. she was my make out buddy for a little while. also courtney and sara that semester. also got to cuddle with them and some others. i love fallin asleep with girls just wish i could do it every night of my life.
PARTIES. the parties i had at my apartment last semester were great. blacklights, writing on the walls and each others shirts, pong, andddd not gettin in trouble haha. my parties were better than the other parties at my school. this past semester had a few parties at the house, and they were really good too, had a different feel than the ones at my apt tho.
COSTA RICA. went there with my dad and brother, wish my mom came too but it was a good time, met some cool vegetarians and enjoyed the little adventures they had set up.
LIFE. where am i going, will i ever figure this shit out. i have realized that i need to work hard at the little things that i do know i want to do, like music and whatever else i feel at that point in my life, and that hopefully the rest will follow. i am goin to try to not watch tv pretty much ever. i dont believe in tv so its about time i stop. i wont get too mad at myself if i dont follow with these things but i REALLY need to just focus to get change in my life and environment. its simple it just seems hard at first cause its work. next semester i am goin to denmark and i am really happy because i need a fresh change in my life to get past this new jersey restlessness and get goin with this stuff.
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[01 Jan 2008|11:16pm] |
it's kind of pointless to try to know everything in so much depth if it probably wont really end up doing anything anyway. i know the basic ideas of how stuff works and thats good enough for now.
bird in a cage maybe you wouldve been alright if you werent born into the position
tried to get somethin goin musically today forever with my buds but nothin really came of it so im pretty bummed out
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[03 Dec 2007|12:29am] |
wellllll well well
you have to put so much work into getting something big going and i dont have the motivation right now? but these people, these people that do this are so amazing. they are so above all these people that just drift about. they tried so hard and still do. like bruce springsteen and his musicians. they must work soooo hard, but just look at what a payoff you get if the work and the risk is there.
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[07 Nov 2007|12:33am] |
it is so much easier to work with people who have the same end in mind. but i find it so much more difficult to work alone. working with eis and tae over the summer, i could spend a whole day workin on music with or for them, and it would be work but it wouldnt seem like much. dave and i on the other hand have not made one single new song this semester, we just havent had the focus. i need to find a foundation for myself for what i want to do with myself, or even to try for the energy needed to build it myself. i have looked for it. even places where i think it most definitely is. but i have not seen it the way i think it should be.
i do not see the confusion or determination in other people's eyes.
still it is intimidating to try to start something that really you want to be so big. i know it will not turn out that way if i am scared of it in the process though, which is a problem.
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[29 Oct 2007|11:38pm] |
damn i hate when i think of a good idea to write down and then i forget it. if it comes back it will probably when im not tryin to think of it.
...
anyway someone got killed pretty much down the street from me saturday at 915pm, just on the outer edge of campus. this is the 5th assault of the semester on a student of this kind so i hear, but the 1st where the kid actually got killed. i get an email every time there is an assault with a description of what happened. what's crazy is that these people will sometimes assault right in the middle of campus. this was not in the middle of campus, but what's just as scary is that this time it was only 915, and also that the kid was not alone but in a group of 5 people (2 or 3 girls, 2-3 guys). the group the attacker was in also had 5 people, but still. my school and its immediate area dont seem too too bad, but i guess there are some nearby areas that are a little worse off, and camden is pretty close also. i didnt know the kid, a sophomore, but i checked his facebook and he seemed pretty cool and a couple of my notreallyreally close friends apparently knew him. i was on the opposite side of the building that it happened at while it happened, waiting for my friend to pick me and 2 friends up. if my own circumstance was slightly different, i almost ended up walking from my house to this building right where the thing happened at the same time it happened. instead i drove to the building to be faster but still ended up waiting for my friend to pick me up. i don't really feel overly scared or worried, but still when i wanted to pick my car up the next day at the building i left it, i couldnt just take the 5min walk that i would have usually done, i had to get my friend to drive me. weird to not feel safe walkin down the street of your house. these people have not been caught and as far as i know neither have the assualters of the other 4 times, although it might very well be the same people.
this is the 2nd time someone got killed down the street from me, the other time being at my real house an hour and half up from where i am now at school. this time though it was a kid who i think must have been a sociopath, killing a toddler. still sad but much less threatening.
...
on other notes, i have been lazy all day besides going to the gym and need to get my act together. i have been practicin violin more often and am gettin the hang of it. a couple songs are in the works (guitar) and i also hope to play outside for people in the daytime next week with dave and hopefully a bongo player. wednesday i plan to hand out factory farming/vegetarian pamphlets to people outisde the student center. thursday i plan to try to raise money for sick wtc survivors. tomorrow i have to try to get out of taking my 'tv history' midterm so i can watch a documentary on campus. tv history is a dumb class but my teacher doesnt think so ha.
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[18 Oct 2007|12:48am] |
im going to be in denmark from january to may for study abroad. how do you like that. i heard the people are progressive and nice, and that the girls arent bitches when you approach them like they are over here often times. i have been makin songs with my 2 friends, from home not from school, and will probably drive home again this weekend to continue. check out the second song on purevolume.com/eisparty if you wish. that one is the best recorded on the page and the other 3 might get changed but are still decent.
i have felt mildly lost or numb here and there for years and would appreciate so much something to relieve that pressure and bring me some understanding. i picture water hitting my body. ..not to sound too sad tho cause im only sad sometimes thru that.
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